Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm a little hum drum

Here I am, blogging from McDonald's PlayPlace. The best place to blog right? Not really (I had a photo of my "happy" face, but I can't get it to load). There are toddlers running around everywhere. I just figured if I had to take Zachariah here, I may as well do something while I'm here (and we're only here thanks to a gift card that Zachariah got in the mail from my aunt for his birthday). Besides, I really wanted to get a new blog post up today.

I feel a bit neglectful. I've been copping out on real blog posts and using giveaways to fill the space. Well, I had the giveaways to do anyway, so why not. But still, I have no intention of turning this blog into a giveaway blog. I am entertaining the idea of starting a separate review/giveaway blog, but I'll let you know if/when that happens.

I've had a rough week. There is no one particular thing that makes me say this. Just several little things that make me feel blah emotionally. That and I have a cold. We all know that doesn't make anyone feel their best.

Things have felt rather "funny" (for lack of a better word to describe it) to me at work (my tutoring job) lately. Just a lot of things that felt like they added up this week. I don't think I really want to work there anymore. But for other reasons I will continue on for now.

I normally try not to let things get to me. But this week has been different somehow. I guess it just happens every now and then. I'm hoping it will improve.

I have been having thoughts about wanting to quit my job, so then I can just be a full time stay at home mom. That's basically what I consider myself, since I'm only away to work 2 hours a day 4 days a week AND my son comes with me. But it sure is not the same. I think I'm worn out and tired of it. I have to get Zachariah up from his nap most days in the middle of the afternoon. Then he's a bear the rest of the day. I can't make my family dinner most nights, because I'm not home when I should be preparing it. Matt's a great cook, but he's getting tired of that too...I can tell. And mostly I'd just like the freedom to do a little more when we want to do it. Right now I'm pretty set to going to tutor at the same time each day. Then there's the whole question of our summer tutoring schedule, and that gets really crazy.

I guess Matt and I will have to discuss it some more. I know he understands my feelings on the matter. Honestly he's probably mentioned more times than I remember about me quitting in the last few months. His raise at work put us in a pretty good situation financially, but I love that we're going to have all our student loans paid off soon at the rate we're heading. And that's what my income (small though it is) is working towards. There is a possibility that Matt could get another step raise this year yet. If that happens, and depending on how much it is, we may be in a great position for me to leave my tutoring job. We'll just have to see.

I think I said more than I really wanted to about this whole thing, but I just had to get some of it off my chest.

Then there is the whole trying for a baby thing. I'm a bit frustrated that it isn't happening yet. I know it will in time (took us a while with Zachariah), but I was really hoping it would be easier this time. And Matt goes from not wanting more children (though he's willing to try for me) to wanting more than one more (yay!). I guess I can't fault him for having different feelings about it. I know he will be happy with another baby, and most times that's what he's telling me he wants right now.

I'm just tired of being patient.

OK, end venting. This is why I haven't had many real posts lately. I'm afraid all I'd do is whine, and I don't want to do that all the time. Hopefully next week will be a better week.


Pam said...

Getting things off your chest isn't whining. It's what us girls do - we talk to one another!
I hope things work out so you can stay at home like you want to. And good luck with the baby - it'll happen.

d e v a n said...

Definitely not whining! I hope the job thing works out and best of luck with the trying too! :)

Alli said...

{{{hugs}}} I feel you. I've been there. Hope you can start feeling better (emotionally and physically) soon.

Melissa said...

Glad you wrote!! :)
Really hope the baby happens soon!! *BabyDust*
And along with the baby a SAHM :D

GLGLGLGLGLGLGL!! Keep up the regular posts we like hearing about you :P

Jana said...

I'm sorry you've had the blahs lately; it seems to be going around. It sounds like your mind is pretty well made up when it comes to your job. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you for baby #2. I know how frustrating it is to try month after month. But it WILL happen for you, I'm just sure of it!

Nowheymama said...

This is YOUR blog. Write whatever you want!

Anonymous said...

You aren't whining. It's life, it's what happens, it's how we deal with stuff.

I hope you are feeling a little more sunshiney soon!

CAQuincy said...

I've had the blahs this week, too. Maybe the weather?

And WE don't mind your ranting. Like Nowheymama said, "This is YOUR blog. Write whatever you want!"

desperate housewife said...

Waiting for a baby is exhausting. And like one of my commenters said, it's almost more stressful once you have kids, because then you're worrying about spacing issues, too.
For what it's worth, and this is totally my two cents which you can take or leave, I feel so much better having doctors who are analyzing my medical history and doing tests and trying to figure out the best way to help me with my fertility issues. It doesn't magically solve everything, but at least I'm not wondering what the heck is going on.
I totally get the more hands off, let's just leave it in God's hands approach, but also, just as another opinion, I do think God gave us science and medical research for a reason, and in my mind this area of fertility is no different than choosing to accept medical help for your eyesight or your teeth or getting a vaccine or whatever. God gave us this information and I don't think we need to feel weird about using it.
That's just in case you DO feel weird about fertility testing and all that. If you've even considered it. I'm babbling now.
To sum up: Big hugs. Trying and waiting sucks.

Cherish said...

The blahs have been going around for some time now. Being patient sucks but sometimes its all we can do. Keep your chin up, it'll all come in time.

bluedaisy said...

I relate to your post on several levels. I keep postponing posts for the same reason- I don't want to whine. But it sounds like you are just trying to process things a bit- and writing is really good for that! As others said, this doesn't sound like whining to me- you are just trying to figure things out. Good luck with job-related decisions. I started full time work recently and struggle with it almost daily so I hear you! I just wish you well & hope that some things fall into place for you guys soon :)